Nicknames: Chris Berman, PFT Commenter, & Big Cat (Part 2)

Baseball Cards * Series 2: The Nicknames of Chris Berman, PFT Commenter, & Big Cat
(Part 2)

To continue the collection from the last post, here are the cards for some of my favorite Chris Berman nicknames: Bo Diddly Jackson, Ron Cey it Ain’t So, Rick Really Big Schu, Rick See Ya Later Aguilera, Sandy Remember the Alomar Jr., and Tim PurpleRaines.

The Bo Jackson card cracks Bo Diddly’s six-string guitar neck over a first-string knee. A cursory search for how much force it takes to break a baseball bat yields a figure between 4,000 pounds and 6,000 pounds. Another quick search regarding the force of a professional boxer’s punch weighs in around 1,000 pounds. These numbers are subject to many other factors, but it seems to me, if we give Bo’s left and right arms a combined 2,000 pounds of force, and his up-cut knee-punch another 1,000, it leaves at least 1,000 pounds of force more to be made up by sheer will, self-criticism, and disproportional disappointment. Bo knows that some strikeouts create beautiful outbursts. I knows that if it were me, I would’ve ended up leaving the game with an intact bat, a bum knee, and a forever strike three.

The Ron Cey it Ain’t So card is an asthmatic shoutout to Weezer’s Blue Album, complete with an updated track listing. The Rick Really Big Schu card is an optimistic view about putting your best foot forward, even when it’s your pivoting back foot. The Rick See Ya Later Aguilera is a Berman lyrical marvel inspired by Bill Haley & His Miami Vice Comets. Sandy Remember the Alomar Jr.’s card depicts an Indian defending the storied structure, absorbing a heater after it was fired by a Texas Ranger. And then there’s Tim Purple Raines, the fastest man with two heels on two wheels. Ok, maybe the second-fastest. Rickey Henderson is the infinite and reigning king, so Tim Raines will have to remain a Prince.

Stepping up to the plate next, this series will appear to be highlighting something below the baseball player’s belt, and given the recent news regarding the new uniformsas reported here by Molly Knight, it seems timely, even though it’s purely coincidental. The next series brings attention twelve of the great names that have been peppered throughout baseball’s long history: Johnny Dickshot, Dick Pole, Dick Lines, Dick Starr, Dick Burns, Dick Dietz, Dick Hoover, Bill Dickey, Randy Johnson, Pete LaCock, Ed Head, and Candy Cummings. It features portraits of each player and their lifetime stats and bios on the reverse side. It’s called, with a wink, Dick Pics.

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If you’d like to see the full set, visit louislasseriv.com/baseballcards

—Lou

Nicknames: Chris Berman, PFT Commenter, & Big Cat

Baseball Cards * Series 2: The Nicknames of Chris Berman, PFT Commenter, & Big Cat
A Rose By Any Other Nickname

When I get up in the morning, I’ll say one of two interchangeable phrases to myself, “I have to get these chores done,” or, “You have to get these chores done.” Figuring out who the I is may seem obvious, but who is the you that I’m talking to?

The fact that I’m talking to myself as if there is another self hidden inside, and not being befuddled by its ubiquitous apparent presence, is peculiar enough. But that the one self can also be critical of the other self’s actions, is stranger still. “Why didn’t yougo to the gym? Your belt has run out of holes. You would’ve felt so much better if you’d gone.”

Perhaps the other self resides in a permanent mirror, always following us from the front, a shadow of constant doubt and subversive reflection. Maybe the mirror is the visual illusion of another self, and the voice in our heads is the imperceptible illusion. Or maybe, instead of two selves, they each represent one half of our consciousness, the reasonable half and the unreasonable half. Maybe it’s that our three-dimensional self takes up too much volume in our three-dimensional head, so we turn down the sound, and flatten it to a piece of paper. Or—I promise this is the last Or—they’re flattened out the same way the wonderful performances and amazing accomplishments on the baseball diamond that are seemingly best preserved on cardstock. With the image on the front and the straightforward statistics on the back, they represent the two selves as one, both separate and together.

In series 2, the cards are an homage to the raucous raconteurs of the highlight reel. They are the ones who turn the inaction of being a spectator to a kinetic performance of wordplay wizardry, beyond the vibrancy of the colors of the uniforms. Of course, while they need the athletic acuity of the players on the field, they aren’t independent of each other. Rather, they’re dependent on the other to remain relevant. Sports and its commentary are inseparable, and they should be celebrated as one, just as the apparent selves within us should be. In my opinion, both ecosystems thrive when the cycle evolves around smiles, wit, and multi-self-deprecation.

This series features 12 subjects, with 2 designs for each. They’re rooted in the nicknames born from Chris “Boomer” Berman’s Fastest 3 Minutes on ESPN (the voice of my childhood), and the nicknames of PFT “Eric Sollenberger” Commenter and Big “Dan Katz” Cat during their Fastest 2 Minutes on Pardon My Take (the voices of my arrested adulthood).

While Chris Berman cleared the path to highlight freedom by clearing his thrrrrrrrroat, PFT and Big Cat have furthered the verbals jukes of his whoops!, borrowed and applied his from to the multi-jerseyed Josh Johnson, and were in cahoots with Berman for a Purdy excellent nickname. It’s such a fun time to be alive.

Here are the cards I designed for Mr. Berman, Mr. Commenter, Mr. Cat, Barry Sanders, Brock Purdy, and Josh Johnson. Enjoy :)

The Heart of Derek Jeter: The Yankee Valentine who Batted with Cupid's Arrow

Baseball Cards * Series 1: Brilliance, Power, Speed, Elegance

Batting cleanup in the Daydreaming at Midnight Base Ball Cards (Series 1), representing Elegance, is Derek Jeter. Among the things I’m fortunate for in my life, I’m glad I was able to enjoy the dynasty years of the Yankees. The Captain vowed in pinstripes to never break a Yankee fan’s heart, and he was loyal to that promise, holding up his arm when he was at bat, as if to say, I got this, dear. While Jeter was known as a gentleman found in wax packs, the rumors must be true that he was also good on the sacks, accumulating 3,465 hits and stealing 358 bases in his career. Jeter wore number 2 on his back, but he was number 1 in the aortic nerves of the Yankee fanbase.

The following three cards represent the three most iconic images of Derek Jeter in my mind: stepping up to the plate, executing “The Flip” in game 3 of the 2001 ALCS, and diving into the stands with intentional abandon.

A Lightning Bolt with Two Legs: Rickey Henderson

Baseball Cards * Series 1: Brilliance, Power, Speed, Elegance

Batting third in the Daydreaming at Midnight Base Ball Cards (Series 1), representing Speed, is Rickey Henderson. His spot in this lineup is somewhat regrettable, considering he is the greatest leadoff hitter in history. Rickey stole bases with abandon, hit for power at the top of the lineup, and Rickey spoke in the third person.

Rickey was the first player I looked up to when I was growing up, as he represented both substance and style. I pretended to be him in my front yard of dreams, emulating his low batting stance, and practicing his head-first slides into second base. But above all, I tried shagging fly balls with his signature snap-catch. When Rickey wanted to add some hot sauce to his defensive prowess, he’d stalk the ball from below with his arms down at his sides. Then, as the ball reached the level of a halo, he’d lift his glove to the apex with an arching and spritely flash of green and yellow… Catch! Then he’d complete the circuit in a neon blur by slapping his glove against his thigh… Snap!

Regarding all four bases on the diamond, I contend that Rickey was baseball’s all-time alpha predator. However, when the debate for which players belong on Baseball’s Mt. Rushmore, Rickey Henderson is not often a name that’s given consideration. If you can anticipate me leading off first, you’d be correct in assuming he’d be on mine. Here’s my argument.

Rickey is most known for being the career record holder for stolen bases with 1,406. (For context, second on the list is Lou Brock, with 938. Rickey is a few decimals shy of besting Brock’s impressive number by 50%. Another way to look at it is to say that Brock only stole 2/3 of the bases Henderson did. For further context, let’s compare it to the top two all-time home run leaders, Barry Bonds with 762, and Hank Aaron with 755. For Bonds to have bested Aaron by the same margin, the Giant Pirate would’ve had to hit 1,143 home runs.)

While the stolen base is an exciting play, the objective in baseball is to score more runs than your opponent, and Rickey touched the holy pentagon more than anyone else in history. He ended his career with 2,295 runs — 50 more times than 2nd-place Ty Cobb, 68 more than 3rd-place Bonds, and 121 more than 4th-place Aaron. Sure, Rickey may have played one, two, or three more seasons than those mentioned, but longevity is also a key component of greatness. To bolster my argument, I put my spikes on and sped toward baseballreference.com to compile some statistics, and created a new metric of my own.

For my claim that Rickey Henderson is the all-time alpha predator on the diamond, I set out to see how many bases he reached in his career, compared with the other albatrosses of the sport. The name of the sport, after all, isn’t homerunball or fastball, it’s baseball.

The first natural category to look at is Career Total Bases, which accounts for the number of bases awarded as a result of a hit (# of singles x 1, # of doubles x 2, # of triples x 3, # of home runs x 4.) Here are the top 25 players, along with Rickey’s ranking:

Career Total Bases

1. Henry Aaron: 6,856

2. Albert Pujols: 6,211

3. Stan Musial: 6,134

4. Willie Mays: 6,080

5. Barry Bonds: 5,976

6. Ty Cobb: 5,854

7. Alex Rodriguez: 5,813

8. Babe Ruth: 5,793

9. Pete Rose: 5,752

10. Carl Yastrzemski: 5,539

1. Rickey Henderson: 4,588

However, another way to reach base is to simply put one’s bat on the dirt, and trot to first. No player worth his sunflower seeds really just walks after being thrown 4 balls. I believe this should be combined with total bases, considering that the opposing pitcher is more likely to be missing the strike zone on purpose, rather than by accident, when you factor in the accuracy it requires for a hurler to reach the majors. Here are the top 10 players:

Career Walks

1. Barry Bonds: 2,558

2. Rickey Henderson: 2,190

3. Babe Ruth: 2,062

4. Ted Williams: 2,021

5. Joe Morgan: 1,865

6. Carl Yastrzemski: 1,845

7. Jim Thome: 1,747

8. Mickey Mantle: 1,733

9. Mel Ott: 1,708

10. Frank Thomas: 1,667

Here are the top 10 thieves:

Career Stolen Bases

1. Rickey Henderson: 1,406

2. Lou Brock: 938

3. Billy Hamilton: 914

4. Ty Cobb: 897

5. Tim Raines: 808

6. Vince Coleman: 752

7. Arlie Latham: 742

8. Eddie Collins: 741

9. Max Carey: 738

10. Honus Wagner: 723

Once a player is on base, there’s only one destination that will affect the scoreboard in the outfield. If you turn it upside down, home plate is the pinnacle of the bases, a two-dimensional pentagon mountain. To reach its summit, a player must run in arching parabolas on the base paths. A player can advance by their own will, they can benefit by the success of the batters that follow them in the lineup, or they can move forward as the result of a defensive error. No matter how they arrived, I believe that reaching home should count as another base achieved.

Of course, if a player scorches one into the bleachers, they get a gravity-free ride to the zenith. To give credit to reaching home safely, a player’s career runs can’t simply be added for this new metric. Statistically, there’s a redundancy because a run has already been accounted for in their career total bases. So this list is for the top 10 career leaders in runs - home runs. For the title, since we are literally subtracting the run from the home run, we’re left with runs home, which is both visual and logical. For the guys can really bop, they can trot home.

Career Runs-Home

1. Ty Cobb: 2,128

2. Rickey Henderson: 1,998

3. Cap Anson: 1,902

4. Eddie Collins: 1,774

5. Pete Rose: 1,700

6. Derek Jeter: 1,663

7. Honus Wagner: 1,638

8. Stan Musial: 1,474

9. Barry Bonds: 1,465

10. Babe Ruth: 1,460

For the final aggregate tally, understanding that the complexities of baseball exceed the simplicity of statistics, here are the 10 ten players in a metric I’m calling Diamond Bases, as it accounts for success beyond what is achieved with a bat.

Career Diamond Bases

(Total Bases + Walks + Stolen Bases + Runs-Home)

1. Barry Bonds: 10,513

2. Rickey Henderson: 10,182

3. Ty Cobb: 10,128

4. Hank Aaron: 9,812

5. Babe Ruth: 9,438

6. Willie Mays: 9,295

7. Stan Musial: 9,285

8. Pete Rose: 9,216

9. Carl Yastrzemski: 8,916

10. Albert Pujols: 8,912

If I’d want to hold to my claim that Rickey Henderson is baseball’s alpha predator of bases, I’d write about the steroid era and the pre-integration era, and place him an outstretched hand above Barry Bonds, and a pad the lead over Ty Cobb. But as the saying goes, figures don’t lie, liars figure. And as cold as it is in New York, I don’t want my pants to go on fire. Nevertheless, even though I’m not a lover of the printed asterisk, in my head there may hang a juiced up one next to Bonds, and a white one next to Cobb.

In a future article, I’ll be revealing the top 25 all-time players for Diamond Average, which is a player’s diamond bases per plate appearance. This list will include 5 active players, and a few surprises.

Batting cleanup in this first series of cards, is Derek Jeter, The Captain of the New York Yankees, representing Elegance.

The Power of Willie Mays

Baseball Cards * Series 1: Brilliance, Power, Speed, Elegance

Batting second in the Daydreaming at Midnight Base Ball Cards (Series 1), representing Power, is Willie Mays. I was born too late to see him play in person, but through baseball cards and videos of his triumphs, I found a visceral connection to “The Say Hey Kid” in my imagination. The first grownup book I ever read from cover-to-cover, or from home plate-to-home plate, was his autobiography, Say Hey. I still have it as a prized possession. I remember the childhood stories he told. The one that burns brightest is when he was caught having a pack of cigarettes in his room. His father told him that if he was going to smoke, he was going to have to smoke the whole pack. He put Willie in the closet and made him finish the entire pack of bones. He never touched them again. I also enjoyed getting in on some of his secret tactics to make him appear to be even faster than he already was. In the outfield, he’d place his cap lightly on his head. So when he ran after a fly ball, it would be taken by the wind, advertising the horsepower of his wheels.

If J.D. Salinger had written about him, perhaps one of the most famous books of the twentieth century would’ve been The Catcher in the Sky. If William Golding had seen Willie make “The Catch” on the island of Manhattan, perhaps the conch would’ve been a centerfielder’s glove, and the struggle for superiority would’ve been titled Lord of the Fly Ball. And if F. Scott Fitzgerald had played the typewriter keys instead of the piano keys, he may have scored The Great Batsby. Alright, that last one is maybe a swing and a miss, but I’ll keep it just the same. In any case, I took to my pencil to praise the Polo Grounds icon.

The Illustrated Brilliance of Jim Bouton

Baseball Cards * Series 1: Brilliance, Power, Speed, Elegance

After a working on an illustrated baseball project the last few months, I’m ready to start sharing the cards I designed, drew, researched, and wrote. The first three are from a series of twelve titled: “Brilliance, Power, Speed, Elegance.” They’re an ode to my four favorite baseball players of all time. I feel that if these four players were to be assembled, the result would be an Einstein with thunder-and-lightning quads, neutron-bombing biceps, supremely clairvoyant vision, and a magnetic glove.

First up in the Daydreaming at Midnight Baseball Cards (Series 1), representing Brilliance, is Jim Bouton. He’s best known for his World Series prowess with the Yankees and his book, Ball Four, which documents his year with the Seattle Pilots. It was the first honest portrayal of America’s Pastime, exposing the locker room banter and the rampant amphetamine use in the league, challenging the mental ineptitudes and contradictions of the owners and managers, all while journaling the day-to-day grind of an aspiring knuckleball pitcher.

I think of him as the Tom Robbins of baseball, which is the highest of praise coming from the noodles in my head. Also, the audiobook is fire. His voice is delightful, calming, and emotive, with an intelligent wink in the direction of immaturity and playfulness.